Journal entry, dated 10/13/04

I’m doing “ok” I guess. I’m having some good moments. But then I feel like I’m going to flipping lose it. Last night was one of those moments. How can such extreme darkness and light exist in the same life? Maybe what I hate is that I have those extremes within myself. I need therapy. I’ve been having death fantasies. I talked to someone who has been married 17 years. No kids. She’s completely miserable. Her emotional structure was like looking in a mirror. An awakening. Except when I’m her age I’ll have a 17 and 15 year old. God, how will he and I ever raise successful teenagers together? I’m so, so scared to death. I’m supposed to have lunch with Julie. We relate on a lot of levels, but she actually “likes” her husband. Barf.

Last night I told [him] FUCK OFF during a fight. And then I left. I took my keys and just drove around for about a half an hour or so. When I got back I wouldn’t talk to him, even though he kept asking me questions. When he wouldn’t stop I finally told him to “shut up so [son] could sleep”. Yeah, I’m no peach to live with. I’m horrible. It makes me hate him even worse because I think the only reason he could possibly be interested in me is for physical reasons. Why else would he? I’m a horrible person with him.

The warning signs in this are just bone-chilling.